#or one time with a group of friends when I was feeling the gender euphoria

[championofravens]

Skip to Loafer and Transgender Role Models: A Brief Analysis

To any who watch or read Skip to Loafer, Nao-chan is a presence you immediately can not ignore. The protagonist’s aunt, she is the primary adult we interact with in the series and one of the main characters of the supporting cast. Our first introduction to Nao-chan does not immediately reveal her transgender status- we are instead introduced to her as a kind, nurturing, caring and protective adult in Mitsumi’s life. We learn later about her being trans through negative whispers from strangers and immediately the tone is set: instead of having Nao-chan hear the gossip on the train, she is instead immediately given a small gesture of love and support from our protagonist Mitsumi. It is a simple but deliberate scene and seems to offer a quiet promise that Nao-chan is as deserving as happiness as anyone else in the cast, an overarching theme that becomes more and more powerful for many characters over the course of the story.

I specifically want to talk about Episode X from the anime and a few scenes from it. For anyone who hasn’t watched it, I will summarize as best I can:  Mitsumi asks permission from Nao-chan to invite her school friends over for a slumber party and she happily agrees. However, she also says that she wishes to tell her friends she is biologically male “just in case”. No reason is directly stated why but many can easily spring to mind. We cut then to Nao-chan dressed in a more masculine style than normal, serving Mitsumi’s friends and being referred to with male honorifics. As Nao-chan leaves, however, our beloved supporting cast all pipe up to compliment Mitsumi’s stylish and kind aunt. We see Nao-chan listening from outside the door, joyfully tearing up.

Later, Nao-chan reappears in her typical feminine attire and makeup to the girls, informing them she’s stepping out. Mika ends up following Nao-chan out, the two having somewhat of a repertoire from earlier in the episode, and Mika confides in her reasons for leaving the slumber party early. Nao-chan immediately is able to relate to Mika’s anxieties and fears based on her own experience growing up, the viewer given a quick shot of her younger masculine self. Before letting her leave, Nao-chan offers advice and urges Mika to return to the slumber party, imparting an important lesson about embracing being genuine to yourself her (with some briefly hilarious word choices).

At this moment on our first watch, my husband turned to me and said “God, if only I heard that growing up.”

It can’t be overstated how shocking the amount of respect and affection Nao-chan gets in the story is. First, the story’s way of choosing to address her being transgender while keeping consistent with it’s happy and airy tone is done masterfully. Nao-chan makes a very realistic choice for her situation in wanting to present as male to Mitsumi’s friends and the narrative respects that. But it also doesn’t linger on the issue either by having Mitsumi’s friends immediately address it positively to the viewer. I think my favorite thing however is that the story lets Nao-chan hear the praise and kind words. We get to see a transgender woman in a moment of maximum gender euphoria. She is respected as a character and as her gender at all times, whether she is there in the moment or not.

Things are taken a step further in the next scene, going beyond simply supporting Nao-chan as a transgender character in the story but also as an adult role model too. In a time where radical rhetoric says transgender women can never understand the struggles of cis women, the story shows the exact opposite. Not only do a group of cis young women all think Nao-chan is beautiful and kind, they also see her as a safe person to confide in and a person who can relate to their feelings. Mika’s short time with Nao-chan earlier in the episode was of a more slapstick variety yet her honesty with Nao-chan feels organic when it happens. We can understand how the two would find common ground on their feelings, even if they lived completely different lives. In fact, it is implied that Nao-chan’s feelings are uniquely pulled from her experience growing up assigned male.

Part of this is contributed to the fact Nao-chan breaks the curse of transgender characters in much of anime by being surprisingly “sexless”. Not once is a perverted joke made at her expense or does she slip in a strangely blunt reference to her body. Part of this is thanks to the genre and overall tone of Skip to Loafer which is incredibly comfortable and chaste.

I was inspired to write this after realizing that there would be a chance that this character and this story’s handling of her might slip under the radar. Though she is not the focus of the story, she is present constantly within the narrative just as anyone else and her presence only enhances the experience. When I see the same examples being passed around of what qualifies for good trans rep in anime, it makes me burn to think she may not be included in these lists.

[whatsaneggimcis]

Signs everything I thought I knew was wrong

I needed to dump my thoughts and feelings somewhere because I feel like im annoying my support group. I think my egg finally cracked Wednesday and immediately I had to start researching and buying gender affirming things. Anyways, here's my list of signs that I wish I had seen like a decade ago, please be kind I'm very new to opening up like this

Another Girl in elementary threatened me with makeup and cross dressing and I wanted it bad.

I think this one is such a major factor in why I feel like this has to be real. Its well before puberty and well before I knew transitioning was a thing. Just a natural thought for someone who’s the wrong gender

Multiple times pleading with god to just make me a girl

Still cis tho obv

Thinking if I held still for long enough in bed, some sort of magic would make me a girl and fix this wrong body of mine

I still remember the dreams where im a girl, i legit became proficient at lucid dreaming just for it.

Ah fuck the egg_irl memes are hitting too hard

My favorite game character is Bridget, listening back to the song is hitting really hard actually

Legit had an anxiety attack and took a day off work because my transfem friend said “careful, i said the same thing before i came out”

Wishing i had magic to turn myself into a girl

Playing female characters just to feel cute

Putting on leggings in highschool, then sleeping in them

Some female mannerisms

Kinda hating my poor skin but couldnt do anything about it since thats only for women am i right fellas

Mild euphoria when someone says good girl

Envisioning myself as the girl during fantasies

Jealousy over a womans body

Ive never seen any man sit cross legged at a table the way i do, idk why that one pops up but i’ve seen plenty of other girls do it

Desire to steal womans clothing to cross dress

At current moment I have no desire to bite my nails because I want them to grow out, even though I was a nail biter for 27 years

In pre school, tried to convince another girl to swap clothes with me

In pre school, loved pretending i was at a hair salon and the other girls in the school would give me a haircut. It gave me ASMR

Speaking of ASMR, I like exclusively listen to makeup, nail and hair roleplays

Feeling like i dont want to transition because I could be ugly

After realization, I dont have nearly as much of an appetite, maybe subconscious bodily sabotage in the form of overeating

Not seeing any future when I tried to plan my life better, before I ever considered the option of becoming trans

Feeling hurt when my dad made somewhat transphobic comments about my trans cousin

Wondering what my parents would do if i woke up one day as a woman and had to explain that to them

Genuine euphoria at the idea of trying on womens clothing, but thinking that i was weird and kinky

Playing with stuffed animals with my best childhood friend, a fellow girl

Hating my balls

I bet it feels good to cry, its probably cathartic

Hating body hair god i hate this so much, I’m just bad at shaving it and dont want to be covered in razor burns and have to explain to coworkers why I shaved my legs and arms

Hating my nose

Adopting a super masculine persona

Forcing myself to have a much deeper voice to not feel any of my true feelings

Actually seeing a future after considering becoming trans

Being hurt by transphobic comments at work before I realized my egg status

Was I sending what they said to my friend because i was hurt by it and wanted reassurance?

When i started drawing again, i had no desire to draw “cool badass epic shit” i just wanted to draw super cosy watercolor paintings.

God damn it i’ll say it, I fucking love pastels. Both the art medium and the color spectrum

Repression of my desire to dance and sing, or I guess express myself in any format due to internalized transphobia

“Mens fashion is so lame, girls have it so good. Im cis tho”

Pure depression my entire adult life

Wanting genuine friend connections with women in a more feminine way

Never caring about going out and buying clothes because none of them worked for me

Trying to force myself to not look at girls clothes because “thats only what weirdos do”

On this topic, how the fuck did i think this shit was normal… i wasnt watching women or anything, its not like i was being creepy in reality. I just wanted to see the womens clothes. Why is that such a bad thing for someone to want

Being jealous of my friend since he was openly wearing his girlfriend’s sweatshirt

Dude i stared longingly at a pink gamer girl chair, still cis tho

Speaking of gamers, being super jealous of C9 Sneaky that he could pass so well and was totally fine with showing that whole side of himself online. Same with Finnster.

I think i hate my voice, ever since realizing this about myself i cant help but hear my voice and think its not me

Being afraid to see a therapist because im not sure honestly

Fearing crying, but that might not be internalized transphobia and actually just be a side product of the vice grip on masculinity in society

Daydreaming about becoming a girl

General body dysmorphia

I want to cry but i cant, why cant I cry why

[j-m-rnr]

Let's talk about identity for a bit; I saw this tweet that made me think--

Over the past decade and a half, I've been consistently creating, writing, and having commissions done for wlw and mlm relationships. For most of my life, I had never done enough introspection as to why I always seem to think about these fictional scenarios as often as I did. The first real catalyst for me starting my journey into deciphering my own identity started when I figured out I was bi about a decade ago...

When I (a male) first realized that I had fallen in love with another man, I did not feel shame. I did not feel fear. I only felt what I could only describe to be "euphoria." It was an entire eureka moment for my life. This peeled back so many inconsistencies that I had learned from religious institutions and cyclic familial biases. This made me want to build more bridges with other folk, understand where others were coming from, and I became such a dramatically different person from my teens as a result. That was a decade ago.

Since then, I've continued to create and write about queer people, queer relationships, queer aspirations and ideals. Heading into the 2020s, the concept of being trans became more and more visible in and around my life. And it's been even more recently that I've started to articulate my queer preferences with my own identity. To say that being trans 'crossed my mind' would be an understatement.

I've done the research, I've chatted with trans friends, I've sat and listened to various stories from other individuals, and I would even attempt at great lengths to envision myself as a woman. Yet, I still didn't feel a eureka moment--not a 'click' that made sense. If anything, there was an absence of feeling. This was a strong contrast to when I found out that I was bi so long ago.

What most transfolk have told me was that "body dysphoria" was a key part of the trans experience (and any of y'all can speak up on your experiences as well). It's been described as distress, unease, and a complete unhappiness with how one looks--when they look into the mirror and what they see. It's something much more innate, more intrinsic to a person's being, than many who aren't trans may realize. And yet, I don't think I've felt this. At least, what I have felt is something I haven't quite found the right words for yet.

A trans friend put it into perspective when they talked about "body euphoria" or finding a certain look or identity that gives you validation/confidence/pride in oneself.

In fact, many years ago, a childhood friend drew a female version of my entire friend group, and it got me thinking--

"Wow! I look cute!" I thought.

"Wait... do I want to be cute?" And suddenly, silence.

The more I contemplate this silence in my head, the more a growing part of me wants to rip out the--sometimes literal, sometimes abstract--constraints that bind down gender identity by its roots. That, or fully leave them behind to find something *else*. Something *other*.

Because, see, I've felt this 'euphoria' some days; letting my hair grow out long, then getting my hair cut, sometimes with facial hair, sometimes fully shaved, I like putting on a suit and being sleek and slim, and other times I might wear nothing at all and simply absorb what I was, skin and all. I compare what I look like, what feels good to me, to what broader society or culture might idealize--perpetuate--in a man and in a woman, and something doesn't connect. Let me clarify, there are things about both genders that excite me, get my blood pumping (this is the bisexual talking), but the qualities that I might like and adore in 'others' are still not quite 'me.' As it stands, that 'euphoria' is a mysterious beast that has continued to elude me.

But who knows. One day, it might all make sense to me, and you will see me as a fully realized man or woman or something else. Something *other*. Until then--

Is this what it feels to be "nonbinary?" If so, this is where I will stay. For now.

[elizabethrobertajones]

Overwhelmed thinking about Urianger and Alisaie... I've always seen her as the trans twin (based on recognising trans autistic lesbian friends in her :P I know it's more popular to see Alphy as the trans twin but this is my personal feeling for me where I know it in my deepest heart of hearts, I'm not looking to invalidate anyone :D).

And like. She clearly figured that out IMMEDIATELY. Toddler gender euphoria moment, kinda thing. Urianger was the next person to know, and who knows how he recognised that and that she was Not The Same As Alphy... but he KNEW. And was her biggest supporter when she was baby, he's been calling her "my Lady" with utmost sincerity and mutual delight since she was knee high to him. (He had no idea why it felt so good being the No.1 Ally or why Louisoix being so immediately cool with it was a personal relief)

I think she deferred that half year before entering the Studium behind Alphinaud while she got herself sorted out coming out and transitioning, she always sounds so down about being behind him by a few months but this headcanon means she had a lot more going on internally to deal with! Paperwork to sort out! Not thinking about magical theory and politics ALL DAY like certain twins.

(Améliance was DELIGHTED btw and was like "I always wanted a daughter! I have so many wonderful ideas for outfits for you!!" and then instead of giving her entirely identical outfits to Alphy, gave her nearly identical ones with pink details instead of blue ones.)

meanwhile Urianger has not figured out a single thing about himself while wandering around in his dysphoria robes and cowl, hanging out with the overtly sapphic Moenbryda who also won't stop hitting on him once they're older and never wondering why she has a soft spot for him as well as her little squad of girlfriends. Oblivious to being collected into that group even when he is kissing Moen all the time.

Anyway it took Urianger all the way until he lived in Il Mheg to finally trans his gender to whatever arcane and wonderful thing it is now. Nonbinary? Agender? transfemme? he/him but it's on thin ice? :P He's on a journey.

So he's the baby trans and Alisaie gets to support him and answer all his stupid questions because she now is his elder in queer stuff :') And thinking about her being his mentor absolutely obliterated me, okay.

[potionio]

Ok wasn't going to post this but HERE WE FUCKING GO bcs the Zero stuff is back on my feed and Im just going to speak and if its stupid ignore it.

Looking at Zero's Patreon comments got me discouraged. Not because of the blatant transphobia- but because of the fact I saw another queer person praising this. And I don't think some people are actively aware of this shit so let SOMEONE has said it and people can't go around saying 'I thought they were trying to help' or some shit.

Let's just get it out of the gay. TLDR? Zero is not your ally or your friend as a queer person.

There is a very distinct difference between people feeling a bit upset about the gender neutrality because they get gender euphoria from being referred to as 'boyfriend/girlfriend' (and other gendered terms) and terfs/transphobes being mad because nonbinary and transmasc/transfem people exist.

Zero is not here to make you feel good. They're not trying to make sure that people who are gender dysphoric still get a bit of joy and spark from playing their game and seeing their simself referred to as someone's 'boyfriend' for the first time. That's not what's happening.

This is someone who clearly is hateful, and if claims about being a de-transitioned trans-woman is correct, clearly has a complicated relationship with the trans community and label.

They're not your friend. They're not your ally. They don't like you. And this should be obvious by the way they phrased their patreon post but clearly it isn't.

Don't mistake people wanting to harm others as your friends, please think about why someone would post a mod like this - if for your own sake. Don't sing their praises when they're part of the people who would throw the first fucking rock if they got a chance. Value yourself as a person.

You can feel miffed that you're not a boyfriend in a game- but a partner, that's allowed. Those are valid feelings- nobody can tell you how to feel. But you putting those feelings above nonbinary and trans people by supporting a creator who clearly doesn't care about us is an incredibly cruel things to do and yes it shows your character and true thoughts about trans lives.

This is absolutely not like- an entirely covering post and I'm sure I may have worded some things wrong because of my frustration with the situation and the way I feel incredibly disheartened seeing someone who identifies as queer support this mod's existence.

Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Nonbinary people are valid whether they identify as trans or otherwise and we deserve to exist too.

IDK just really frustrating because I've seen more than one person think this is some mod made to make them feel more affirmed in themselves when in reality this is a terf trying to delete identities.

This is obviously not talking about blatant transphobes btw, this is talking about a very small group of people. I'm not saying this so transphobic people can protect themselves- I'm saying this so queer naive people don't think this fucking asshole is on their side.

Transphobe to extreme homophobe is a slippery fucking slope.

[gay11aliens]

Thank You

feeling sentimental and need to fucking say it so-

thank you dad for raising me and doing art with me and even though you’re shit at talking still trying with me, you are amazing and I hope you live forever. Thanks mum for being nice and calm and patient most of the time, I’m sorry I’ve distanced myself from you but I don’t like what you’re trying to do right now. Thank you group chat for welcoming me even though I had no clue about the drama, I understand why you wanted me gone, but I swear I was never anything but good intentioned when it came to you guys, and you showed me how nice online friends can be, I really hope you all are doing well.Thank you Strange for still liking my posts, I think you’re awesome :). Thank you Nana for being chill and chatting to me about random stuff, it’s nice to have a friend like that, even if they’re online. Thank you Cy for being one in a million and so kind and friendly to me, I hope I get to see you again because I have never loved a friend more. Thank you Lucille for being so genuine and giving me a two for one deal on hot cheetos you’re fucking awesome and I’m glad we still text #sigma. Thank you B for being nice and giving me a little gender euphoria, you never deserved what happened and I hope you know how much Cy loves you. You were definitely the most unforgettable person I have ever met, and although I admit I was always on the fence about you, you were pretty cool :). Thanks M for being my friend since kindergarten even though you are way to unpredictable for you own good and love 90s punk bands, you’ve still been there from the start. Thank you Mackenzie Lee for writing that series, it brings me so much joy and happiness even if it is an obsession I can’t get away from, it gave me so much and I wish I could return the favour. Thank you to the characters in those books, you are so perfect I can’t put words into it. Thank you everyone who has been in my life because I know I will add more people on here as time goes on and anyone I leave out, I still appreciate (unless you were a fuckwit) I’m so glad I’ve met so many great people and I want to express my gratitude for them <333

@resident-danmei-enthusiast

@bananapudding752

@heaven-sent-hell-bent

[snail-speed]

Thinking about how anti-sjw culture really repressed me in almost every front imaginable back in the day.

Like, back then, I knew I was bi, kinda, but you wouldn't have caught me dead even simply questioning my gender. I felt gender euphoria but I was never able to pinpoint it down as proof I'm not cis until years later when some trans friends gave me the Non-Judegemental But Still Very Aware Gaze treatment and I actually sat down and thought about it. I think looking back it's pretty safe for me to say that the way anti-sjw culture looked at transgender people, especially those that didn't constantly point out how much they hated their AGAB, was extremely transphobic and personally set my self-discovery journey a good 5 or so years back.

Back then, ironically, I was also not really very religious. I still went to Confirmation classes and the such, but I fucking hated it, for many reasons but one of them being I was just doing out of obligation being raised Catholic. In this one I also genuinely don't know what changed, but I've actually gone back to Catholicism both in earnest and willing now. I feel like I have a much better grasp of theology now and I'm no longer shy about being religious, I also think fellow religious people (especially queer religious people) deserve to feel more open about it, and I've also brushed up on other religions. I'm not perfect but I do try my best to be open and respectful, especially compared to my time back in the anti-sjw trenches (once you recognize the signs of shit like Islamophobia and antisemitism it's like Holy Shit It's Relentless).

I feel I also have my PDD in better check now, both because I've lived with it for longer and because quite honestly a lot of people I associated myself with back in those days were fucking assholes. I look back on that one friend group blocking me the moment I got too woke for their tastes with pride. My friends now are amazing and the ones that have stuck with me throughout the transition process are also delightful.

[morporkian-cryptid]

On gender, confusion, and labels

I want to talk about my experience of gender, because it’s been a long and complicated journey and I’m finally at a point where I’m not having an identity crisis every six months. I haven’t seen many people with a similar experience in my years on the Trans Website and I kinda wish I had people tell me this earlier. This is not meant to be catch-all advice for all gender-confused folks, just my own story; if others can resonate with it and feel a little less lost, then I’ll be happy.

(This is gonna be pretty long, be warned)

I experience little to no dysphoria, and that’s probably why it’s taken me so long to accept that I’m not cis. What tipped me off to the whole Gender Situation was mostly the euphoria of being perceived as a masculine woman, or mistaken for a guy.

I came out as genderfluid years ago, to about two persons. Six months and a lot of thinking later, I went back on it because it turned out it was just a phase.

Well, not a phase, more like a cycle. After that, I kept deeply questioning my gender every six to twelve months. Most of the time I’d feel like a woman (albeit without any clear idea of what “being a woman” actually meant), and every now and then I’d get clear flashes of “I’m something else” feelig and start to question my entire identity for a couple months; then go back to “nah actually I’m cis”. Rinse and repeat.

I kept cutting my hair increasingly short, event went as far as a buzzcut. I rarely wear makeup. I like when people mistake me for a boy or are confused about my gender.

Every year or so, I found myself looking at binders. Every year I flaked out. At some point I bought compression bras but barely wore them because they were uncomfortable. I like my chest in and of itself, but sometimes I don’t like the way it looks with dresses or frilly tops – I like my chest but I don’t want it to be perceived. (I did buy a binder eventually, for the few days when I want my chest gone. I don’t wear it a lot, but I’m happy to have the choice.)

For a while I played with using different pronouns; I asked my friends to call me he or they for a few days, or I’d introduce myself with those pronouns in talking groups. But most of the time I went back to “she” like an old comforting jumper.

I even changed my name for about six months, then went back to my birth name. That was a very difficult time. I didn’t want to change my name. I like my birth name a lot. What happened was, Elliott Page came out, and I heard the name Elliott and my brain kinda went, “huh I like that name, it fits, I kinda like being a girl named Elliott”; and then it was like an itch that wouldn’t go away unless I scratched it. The weight of that decision scared me. It wasn’t like pronouns or a haircut: a name is what I present myself to the world with, and I was terrified of changing such a big thing about me.

My friends were very supportive, and switched without problem. I was lucky enough to move abroad for a six-month exchange program right when that identity crisis happened, so I got the very rare occasion to introduce myself as Elliott to people who didn’t know me at all, and whom I wouldn’t see anymore after six months. My flatmates were great and called me Elliott without question.

Six months later, the name stopped fitting. I don’t know how to describe it, but it just didn’t feel like me anymore, so I went back to my birth name, and all my friends were chill with that. (I still use Elliott as a pseudonym online.)

The reason the early years of questioning my gender were really complicated, is because for a lot of my life I’ve been really into labels. I wanted to understand things and put them in neat little boxes; and my identity was no different. If I’m not a woman then I must be trans. But I feel like a woman 75% of the time. Can I call myself trans if I identify with my AGAB most of the time? Do I actually identify as a woman, though? Or am I okay with being perceived as one? What does “feeling like a woman” even mean? Technically, by definition I must be genderfluid, which means I’m trans, but that’s a word that doesn’t feel like it applies to me. I can’t be part-time trans. But I’m not exactly cis either. Then what the fuck am I??

I wanted a word to put on my identity, because if I didn’t have one then I didn’t know what I was, and that was really difficult to live with.

It took me years to shed that need for a label, and to get to the point I am at today. Today I see my gender as feelings rather than identity. My gender is too big and complicated to neatly fit into a word, or even ten. My gender is the way I dress, the way I talk, the emotions when I am called miss or sir, the feeling when I look at myself in the mirror after a fresh haircut. It’s a hundred interconnected tidbits that all shift day to day.

The best way I’ve found to describe my experience of gender, is this:

I am not a woman

I am fine with being perceived as a woman

I do not want to be perceived as feminine

These are the three things I’m certain of right now (and they might change later! And that’s okay!), and my day-to-day gender presentation hinges around them. I no longer try to look inside myself and ask “What is my Gender?”, because I’ve never found a straight (ha!) answer, and that’s only ever brought me anguish. What I do now, is look in the mirror and ask myself “Do I like this outfit?”, look at a sentence I wrote and ask myself “Do I like these pronouns?”. I’ve kind of applied the Marie Kondo method to my gender: does this spark joy? Then I’m doing it. In this text I’m sending to my friend, does calling myself “handsome” spark joy? Then I’m calling myself “handsome”. Does wearing a binder under this dress spark joy? Then binder it is. If I want to try out a new name, I can tell my friends and they’ll try it out with me, and if it turns out I don’t like it, I can always ask them to go back to the old one. The gender feelings I’m feeling right now are as real as the ones I felt yesterday or the ones I’ll feel tomorrow, they’re as important and I am allowed to indulge in them.

With labels, I do sort of the same thing, although I’m not quite there yet. The best word I’ve found to describe myself is genderqueer, because it’s vague enough to not imprison me inside a box. Sometimes I’ll say I’m non-binary if that’s relevant to the context of the discussion. I still don’t actively describe myself as trans, because the vastness of that word and the experiences it comes with is still a bit scary for me – but I don’t forbid myself anymore from taking part in things labelled as “trans”, like talking groups, pride events, Tumblr posts and Discord servers. Even if I don’t identify with the word, I identify with many of the experiences, and I do technically fall under the definition of transgender. I’m allowed to be part of that community, even if I kinda just lurk around the doorstep. Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable enough to actually come in, and proudly call myself transgender.

I have been sort of toying with the idea of maybe one day going on T. If I had had that idea a few years earlier, I would have freaked out and had another identity crisis over it, like I did with the name change. As things are right now, I’m just sort of considering the idea and giving myself time to think about it, do research, try alternative ways to change my body first. There’s no rush at all. I know now that my perception of my own gender varies over time, and that I can take years to get comfortable with aspects of my identity or presentation. I can take my time; I can go on T in a few years when I’m certain, or I can decide I don’t want that. I don’t have to make a big decision now.

Seeing transition this way is incredibly freeing.

I’m very lucky to experience minimal gender dysphoria, but because of that, I conflated “being okay with people perceiving me as a woman” with “actually being a woman”. I mostly use she/her and my feminine birth name, not because they describe my gender (they very much don’t), but because they’re comfortable. It’s like I’m goth but I don’t find goth clothes comfortable, and displaying my identity as goth isn’t worth the discomfort of wearing itchy clothes. So I prefer to wear this old sweater that’s super comfy even if it doesn’t reflect my tastes, and stick a couple of skull pins on it so other goths know I’m actually one of them. Just because the sweater isn’t goth doesn’t mean I’m not goth inside. Just because I go by she/her and a feminine name doesn’t mean I’m not non-binary inside. Explaining my actual gender to the people around me isn’t worth the hassle, misunderstanding and possible debates about my identity; the people who understand know, and the others don’t, whatever.

(TL;DR) So, yeah. This is a lot of text to really just say, if finding a word for your gender hurts, don’t try to find a word. Focus on the experiences, do what makes you happy, gender-wise. Labels can be helpful, but if they’re not, you are not obligated to use one. Gender is incredibly complex and cannot be easily summarized by words. At the end of the day, what’s important is your feelings, and trying to make them good feelings.

[lovesick-wonderland]

Habit || k.th

Summary: when adrenaline runs high before his shows, Taehyun has found the perfect outlet for his nerves: fucking your brains out before every show.

Pairings: Toxic Rockstar! Kang Taehyun x Reader

Warnings: 18+, smut, degradation, choking, unprotected sex, unhealthy relationship, reader is called a pet, dom taehyun, top taehyun, toxic taehyun, gender neutral reader

Word count: 1.6k

Part of @napofamoon's event: growing pain! Thank you so much with being patient with me and letting me join ^^, I tried to get it out asap, so I haven't proofread--

Minor please DNI

Disclaimer: this is a work of pure fiction. I do not condone the actions of any characters in this story and the actions do not reflect the idols in any way.

You swore it’s the last time you’re doing this.

You swore it was the last time that you’re going to let Kang Taheyun fuck you in his dressing room before his shows. He claims it’s to get rid of his nerves before the show and you always let him. However, despite your shared pleasure during this pre-concert habit, the euphoria and adrenaline always wears off, a longing and emptiness replacing them after he zips up his pants and asks you to leave so he can prepare

Everyone tells you that you can’t keep letting Taehyun do this to you. That you deserve better, that you can find someone else. You even know that the two’s relationship is toxic, a corrosive acid eroding you, until there’s nothing left, eating you up alive and leaving you until you have nothing else to offer. 

You know he has options. He’s gorgeous, the lead singer of a rising rock band: “TXT”. People were always throwing themselves at Taehyun’s feet. You’ve seen the people he’s brought back backstage after one of his shows, the pretty girls he leaves the bar with or dances at the club with. You’ve how people stare at him at shows, full of adoration, love, support. The crowds that go wild the minute he flashes his abs, the way they scream whenever he hits the high note in the song, the comments online about how they’d give everything to spend a night with him.

But despite the line of people Taehyun has to choose from, you’re the one he always calls to his dressing room before his shows. You’re the one. Not them.

It's a special feeling that keeps you coming back to him. Time and time again.

It’s dangerous to be addicted to such a feeling, to be addicted to such a relationship. So, you try to distance yourself from him. You try to stop seeing him so often. You hang out with different friends. Friends that don’t treat you like you’re disposable. Friends that seem to respect you. And though it keeps you from thinking about Taehyun and his band when you’re with others, you can’t stop yourself from unlocking your phone during sleepless nights to check your shared group chats and his social media.

You always feel guilty, feeling possessive and distraught over a man who was never yours to begin with. Especially a man who didn’t seem to care about your absence. A man who was still sticking to his schedule, going to photoshoots, interviews, and, to your dismay, clubs and bars. But at the very least, TXT had yet to do another concert. And Taehyun has yet to call you for another dressing room quickie.

You’re out at a restaurant with friends when you hear the familiar ring of your phone. A surge of satisfaction washing over you as you check the caller ID: Taehyun. You’re not surprised, you knew he had a show today. But you promised yourself you wouldn’t go back to him, so you place your phone down on the table and revert your attention back to your friends. 

You hear your ringer go off again. And again. 

Then Taehyun stops calling. 

You stand up abruptly from the table, excusing yourself, bidding goodbye and saying something urgent came up. It’s automatic how your body moves to get to the concert venue, strides long and slow until you’re running to get to the venue. You will yourself not to think as you scream at yourself for going back to him. You know it’s unhealthy. You know you should leave, but the thought of him no longer needing you sends your mind into a frenzy.

You’re sweaty and out of breath when Taehyun opens the door to his dressing room, ushering you inside while grinning. He’s gorgeous, dressed in a sleeveless graphic t-shirt, ripped jeans, a belt with a wallet chain, spiked choker and a spiked cuff.

“I knew you’d come. You always come back to me, don’t you? A little pet that always comes back to its master.” Taehyun coos at you, pulling you towards him for a kiss before pinning you against the closed door.

“I want to fuck you against a wall. You’re okay with that right, baby?” 

You nod enthusiastically. Taehyun lets out a chuckle.

“I called you in earlier than usual since we haven’t seen each other in so long, so we don’t have to rush.” Taehyun says while undoing his belt and tying it around your neck.

You undress and drop to your knees like your usual routine, pulling down his pants while Taehyun holds the end of the belt in his hand. He’s not completely hard yet, so you pump him a few times before licking up from the base of his shaft to his tip. Taehyun lets out a sigh at your ministrations, eyes fluttering shut. He tugs the belt, bringing you closer to his length, urging you to take him in your mouth.

You take a deep breath and relax your throat as he begins to shallowly thrust into your mouth, holding your makeshift collar still. His thrusts slowly build until he’s slamming into the back of your throat, pulling you towards him as he fucks your mouth. You struggle to maintain eye contact with him as he looks down at you, drool dripping from your mouth onto the tiled floor of the dressing room while your eyes water from your gag reflex. You can hear him moaning “take it” between his pants and that spurs you to keep going.

You’re beginning to see black spots from the lack of oxygen when suddenly he pulls out from your mouth, hard length bobbing against his abdomen. You gasp for oxygen as Taehyun leaves you to walk to his vanity, grabbing a bottle of lube. He returns and crouches down, running his fingers through your hair to soothe you and cupping your face. 

“You’re so good to me. So obedient, so cute when I’m fucking you.” 

You’re able to let out a content hum, throat starting to feel sore as you try to stand on your numb legs from kneeling. Taehyun notices you struggling and laughs before hooking his left arm under your legs and picking you up, folding you flush against his chest as he teases your entrance with lubed fingers. 

Taehyun is always meticulous with what he does, and making sure you’re properly prepared for taking him is no exception. Easing his fingers into you slowly and pumping them, hitting your sweet spot and making you see stars. Your head lays on his shoulder, your eyes shut focusing on the pleasure he gives you. 

You feel him kiss your cheek before removing his fingers from you. You let out a whine, eyes flying open as you wiggle your hips.

“Don’t worry, I’m not done with you yet.” Taehyun says as he aligns himself with your hole. 

Taking him is never difficult. It’s almost like a routine now, given how often you’ve ended up in this situation. You always fit him like a glove and it’s always easy to take him to the hilt, with you flush against his pelvis. 

“Fuck. You feel amazing. My favorite fleshlight to use.” Taehyun says breathily, beginning to bounce you up and down like a fleshlight. He hooks each arm beneath your knees and spreads your legs so he can get a good view of him coming in and out of you. You can feel his eyes burning on the place where you two are connected.

You let out a huff as he puts down your legs, allowing your legs to touch the ground. You turn back to look at him with a confused expression before he’s covering your mouth and pinning you against the wall, back facing him while he begins to fuck you again. Your face is pressed against the wall, the wall rough against your cheek as you feel Taehyun tug harshly on the belt wrapped around your neck, choking you. 

You feel your eyes roll back into your skull in pleasure, the lack of oxygen intensifying the feeling of Taehyun inside you. He feels like he’s everywhere, suffocating you in the best way possible. The way he presses his body against yours, one of his hands on your back, pushing you further into the wall while the other one is next to your head.

“You’re so filthy. What do you think everyone would think about you if they saw you right now? Reduced to a fucktoy, fucked dumb on my cock.” Taehyun whispers against your ears. You cum first after hearing him, body shaking and mind reeling, the overwhelming sensation of everything proving to be too much combined with his words. Your orgasm and lack of oxygen blurs your mind as aftershocks run through your body. Taehyun doesn’t relent, chasing after his high and fucking you into overstimulation.

“Good pet. Fucking take my cum.” Taehyun groans before his hips stutter and you can feel him fill you up with his hot cum.

Taehyun rides out his high, before eventually stilling and slowly pulling out of you. He rushes to his vanity, checking the time on his phone as you collapse on the floor. Your euphoria and adrenaline turning into emptiness and dread. You just feel so exhausted.

“Shit. I still need to get ready. Do you mind heading out?” Taehyun says, smoothing out his hair and checking his reflection in his mirror. 

You open your mouth to say something, before deciding against it and closing it.

You want to tell Taehyun to stop calling you, to stop treating you like this, but it’s not something Taehyun hasn’t heard from you before. He understands your unhappiness. But it’s not something he’s willing to change. 

So, you leave, wobbly legs taking you from his dressing room as you swear this is the last time you’re doing this.

But, old habits die hard.

[pvdbaby]

i have grown years in the last 12 months

this is my first post. i'm in my early 20s, i live in providence, i'm trans. i might be a lesbian but maybe not. hints of transness has been following me for many years but it wasn't til may '24 that things started getting real. the last 12 months have included a whole lot of growing pains.

i'm here because trans people need to write, and i need an outlet. it's been a while since i've really tried to write and i can't remember that last time i was vulnerable online. maybe it was because i was raised in the stranger danger era that i keep somewhat private, but it feels more important than ever to just be visible. i still need to find the words to describe what i'm experiencing, but maybe one day i'll become practiced enough and have undergone enough self-discovery that my words will help someone else.

nov 4 2024

it's election night eve in the usa, and things have been feeling so bleak. on this day last year (nov 4 2023), i was in freedom plaza marching for palestine. the anger was so fresh, like nothing i had ever felt before. i had faith that changing the tide of public opinion could change the outcome of our actions abroad. it's been a full year since that march and i find myself sick and desensitized. i still think about palestine every hour of every day.

learning how to question every rule and truly learning yourself is such a process. i'm not sure i even do really know myself. i'm not sure that most people ever come this far in deconstructing gendered expectations placed on them, but maybe that's just early 20s arrogance. i understood the references people made to the matrix before i started transitioning, but it wasn't until august that i REALLY got it. there's a whole other paradigm out there and once you see it, how can you not live queer?

it's strange to feel some kind of euphoria from deep-diving into yourself, your trauma, and almost feel selfish for the unique pleasure you can take from it while your taxes go towards unspeakable horror. it feels so insignificant -- gender exploration almost feels like another distraction. but, i think part of learning to question what you've been taught about gender also necessitates questioning what you've been taught geopolitically. trans liberation and palestinian liberation are hard to separate for me. once you see the silliness of gender binary propaganda (boys are hard-wired this way, girls are hard-wired that way), you start to see the reliances on bullshit essentialist ways our government demonizes people in countries that have oil and resources (they're hard-wired to be violent, our enemies). i don't see how we'll have one group's liberation without the other, and i sure am scared for all of us regardless of the outcome of this election.

looking back on my college years, it's almost as if i was stunted. i cannot believe the experiences i've had over the last year and how much i've changed. i'm frequently told that i'm mature beyond my years, but what are you supposed to do with that?

if you see this, or follow me, you'll have to forgive me for the number of times i'll have to repeat myself before i finally start trusting and believing myself. i also have a tendency to get off-track when i write. i guess this is a diary for now but maybe one day i'll have essays.

i've made some really lovely trans friends within the last year but sometimes it's still lonely -- you can reach out. love you

pvd baby

[the-casbah-way]

the popular conventionally attractive girl to gay transmasc pipeline is wild. i literally have recurring dreams about the times popular guys would hit on me and they’d put on that false facade of kindness that only really goes knee deep and of me feeling that really specific form of validation and safety that came with it that most definitely boils down to severe daddy issues. that feeling you’d get KNOWING that some dude your friends thought was hot was into you was like a drug to me and the only thing i have discovered that is far more powerful and important and meaningful is trans joy and gender euphoria and diy’ing your body into something none of your abusers have touched or known and learning for the first time that you can do whatever you want to yourself because of what YOU think is beautiful and not what random cis men that you don’t even like would want to see instead. i don’t know how to explain it but it’s so weird to have experienced both ends of this spectrum. i still find it hard to cope when i remember that the majority of people find me ugly and i get rude homophobic things yelled at me in the street because even though i’ve changed in so many ways my actual personality is still the same as it was back when i was a popular girl. i never fit in with the main girl clique that i kept getting invited into and i preferred to stick with my own group instead because i was this weird autistic faggot who liked drawing warrior cats fanart and singing undertale fan songs out loud unironically in the locker room before gym but because of how i looked people just didn’t care. like i was allowed to be one of them anyway purely because of insanely stupid things like the fact i had really long blonde hair or the fact that the token rugby boy at school had a crush on me. it’s so weird that i’m the same person as i was back then but now those very same cis people who loved me hate me because of how i look and how i want to live and shit like that. i’m really glad i freed myself from that obsession with being desired as a friend and as a sexual object but i sometimes forget that the way i’m perceived has changed so much because i feel so much more familiar with and at home in my body now that i can’t even remember that i looked different before

[ramblesbiab]

I think of the most interesting parts of non-human gender to me is that I was in what has to be an incredibly rare scenario regarding it. I was socially pressured into feeling like I had to be animal-gendered to fit in, rather then any sort of opposite to that.

I was a good few months into making sapphic audio roleplays on YouTube at the time, along with incredibly lonely, so I decided I would try to make a Discord server. The first week ended up with eighteen year old me getting lovebombed into a toxic relationship by a twenty-six year old, but after I pretended I had quickly recovered from that despite the fact that it still haunts me sometimes, things were smooth sailing. I was making lots of queer friends, I was getting closer to them, I finally felt like I had a place in the world.

And then, someone started explaining therians and such to folks, which is cool obviously. I don’t want this to come across as an anti-non-human genders post, I think it’s beautiful that the world is so unique in that way. But a lot of folks who I was becoming friends with started realizing things about themselves, and by a lot, I genuinely mean all of them. It felt like a wave crashed over the server as everyone in my new group started realizing they were wolves, foxes, sheep, etc.

A few months into my new friendgroup and I was already the odd one out. It was terrifying, honestly. I was going to lose everybody again. So, I started thinking about deer. I love deer, they’re my favorite animal, and I could probably work with that. I began doing a lot of mental convincing. A lot of telling myself that it wasn’t just my desire for attention making me happy when I told people, it had to be gender euphoria. I had to be a deer.

For months, it kept going like that. That’s not to mention the stretch where I convinced myself I was plural, but I won’t touch on that since it was even more traumatizing. Everybody called me a deer, everyone treated me like a deer, and even through the masks of telling myself it felt good, there was an edge to it. I knew it was wrong but I couldn’t stop. It took over a year before I finally had to put a stop to it, and that started a series of events that ultimately led to me losing the majority of the friendgroup that I had. Thankfully, those I care for most stayed.

It feels so strange looking back. How much time I lost due to my desperation to fit in, how many days I forced myself to be comfortable because I thought everything would fall apart otherwise. I’ll never get that time back.

Despite being deep into my transition already at the time, I log that year the same way I do most years before I even realized I was a woman. It makes me realize just how little time I’ve spent being the actual, true me. Hopefully I’ll be able to find out.

[scrambleseggy]

I think something wild about being an afab going on T at almost 30 and also being someone who’s lived an overall queer experience under a somewhat tedious labeling process is that I have MET toxic masculine trans men. For the record, I very much appear as a cis woman to people, and most people I meet just kinda sum me up as “some sorta lesbian.”

TW from some harsher personal experiences.

Back in my early 20’s, one of my FTM franchise managers sexually harassed me at a company party very inappropriately. Within the same time frame, one of my now ex-friends and on-site manager was dating a trans men who fit ALL the stereotypes of toxic masculinity: disregard for others, pavement princess giant truck, constantly talking over others or using his strength as a source of intimidation (and I would say a source of overcompensation as well lets be real here lol). At a certain point he made this ex-friend cry so much, I had to ban him from my house and tell him I’d try to get a restraining order if he came back.

So it does really annoy me that there seems to be an ignorant group of people who form online when trans women speak about transmisogyny within the community. Because there are trans men out there who act like complete douchebags and assholes to validate themselves in their identity or they’re just plainly assholes, and this is something I would see a lot at gay clubs as opposed to tight knit groups or niche online circles. Trans women and others are trying to tell ya’ll that this is a problem that happens and some of you are childishly sticking your fingers in your ears and going “LALALA TRANSANDROPHOBIA SHHHHHH” and it’s like… Ya’ll, you don’t have to turn a blind eye to this shit because quite frankly it’s embarrassing and very misinformed.

I will say however that as someone who is thinking about transition now, I can empathize with the knee-jerk reaction as well. It’s really scary to have people tell you the negative things you could become or ways you could hurt people. It can actually in my experience be a whole driving force in continuing to remain dysphoric through your life because it’s better to do that than feel like you may end up being completely alienated from everyone, especially if all women are a very important part to you in your life.

The whole “T is poison” thing runs deep. I always had this fear that the moment I’d start it would be the moment I would become the very thing I’m made to be afraid of even if it’s what I want to be. It’s such a difficult ball of yarn to unravel. What if I did get male privilege, but even in my gender euphoria, I end up hating myself anyway? What if I don’t get male privilege or “pass” but people in the “community” (such a loose and confusing word imo) also hate me and then I have no one? If straight women treat me bad after or before “passing”, if lesbian women see me in ways I don’t want to be seen, if cis straight men think I’m a freak and gay men think I’m an intruder… Where does that place me in the world? And who really am I? Will people believe me less or more when I’m hurt by others?

I think it’s atleast something for people to consider because as someone who’s dealing with really bad dysphoria right now, these are the kinds of thoughts that have been running through my head.

It’s also good to remember that online is online and real life is real life. Yes sometimes they reflect each other, but oftentimes, people lie on the internet (GASP!) and speak in exaggerations.

This is why it’s always good to try and strive for local connects to maintain your own sanity. At the end of the day, I know my own friends who still see me as the same person. And getting to know my own family of queer people of all kinds who I love dearly and they love me back does make the world feel like a more understanding place and less like a cruel and divisive one. I guess it’s just something to keep in mind.

[genderqueerdykes]

i saw you mention you're nonbinary and like i've wanted to ask someone cause i think im nonbinary but all my gnc friends are like binary trans i guess? and don't really have any answers for their discovery beyond like "i always really connected with girls and felt more like a girl than i did a guy" and it just leaves me questioning because i feel gross to think of myself as a boy and gross to think of myself as a girl. not sure where this is going, i guess what was the discovery process like that led you to recognize yourself as nonbinary?

hey that's a really awesome question actually!

my journey has been kind of back and forth- i identified as a binary trans guy for about. 7 years. and during that time i realized i was really, really unhappy. i was being seen as a man, or at least, not as a woman and it was making me happy, but i had to wear very traditionally masculine clothes, never wear makeup, never talk about being gay, etc. in order to pass

so, i'll kinda give you my two big moments where i realized i was nonbinary, so to speak!

1.) when i first found out what transgender was, it was thru a local lgbt pride alliance group. i learned what the word "Transgender" was there and it literally made my heart stop. i met a transfem person who kinda explained what being genderless was, but the term "nonbinary" wasn't in circulation at the time. i went home and started researching trans stuff and i found terms like "neutrois," "genderqueer" and "agender" and immediately vibed with those.

i identified as neutrois/agender/"other" gender for about 3 years. when i came out to my family, they didn't take it well at all. i told them to please stop calling me a girl, that i wasn't a girl, i wasn't a guy, and that i was just a person. they couldn't handle it, and i realized that most people couldn't, so i felt like i had to go full tilt into being a trans guy in order to be taken seriously. it kept me up at night because i knew deep down inside that i was different, and that this wasn't something that would just go away, and that there was nothing i could do change who i was. i didn't quite know who i was yet, all i knew is that i hated people dictating how i was to be referred to and if i was allowed to keep the beard i naturally grew due to being intersex or not

over the years i started realizing how miserable i was forcing myself to look/act like a cishet guy, because while i am partially a guy, i'm definitely not a cis or binary one

2.) 2020 rolled around and everyone was wearing masks constantly. i wanted some cloth ones around for safety, and my landlord's grandmother made me some. one of them was a cute flowery fabric, and i started wearing it around with my traditionally masc hair and clothing. someone approached me one day and went "sir? ma'am? ... i'm sorry, i can't tell." and i tell you what that gave me the most euphoria i've ever had in my life, more than being called "sir" by itself ever has

it made me remember that oh RIGHT i was my happiest when i was being referred to as something nonbinary adjacent. i still identify as genderqueer and use that term when i don't want to go into detail, or am around people who aren't very familiar with queer terms. most doctors and professionals seem to get the term genderqueer too.

i have DID and am a plural system, so there are alters in my system who still identify as neutrois, too! many of us have attachments to the terms that we used when we first came out. being a trans guy is an awesome experience and during the times in my life i've tried to stop identifying as one, it's made me really fucking sad. but that's okay!

i have several genders at once and that's rad. i'm glad you decided to ask this because coming back around to realize i'm nonbinary has made me the happiest i've been in a long time. i really am just a person !

i hope that helps!!!! thank you for asking this, i've really been wanting to talk about being nonbinary, genderqueer and "other" gender in general, and what it means to identify this way. thanks for stopping by, if you have any more questions feel free to ask = )

[heademptynotasinglethought]

No one I know has seen this movie and It wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be and I’m upset

Has anyone seen that movie Fanfic on netflix? Its a polish movie so it has english dub which is how I watched it. So take this into consideration with my opinion on it. Maybe its exceptional in polish idk.

The writing is so bad but it had so much going for it :(

As the title suggests, there’s a reference to fanfiction, what it can do for its readers and the people who write it. But that’s all. A Reference. Its not really something that we focus on throughout the movie and I actually forgot that this is what the movie was supposed to be about halfway through until they throw it back in there at the end for some reason. 

We’re following our main character, an alternative looking teenager with a cool edgy shag cut that hates their life and their parent and uses their fanfiction writing as a form of escapism. They see themselves as a rockstar, dating the character of their dreams, living a life they could never live. I get it I get it seems cool.

But its weird because, the life that our main character is escaping tbh doesnt seem that bad. I mean sure they are unhappy, don’t get along with their father, but also they basically go to euphoria high school so they get to go to all these cool warehouse raves with their huge group of friends all the time? Thats not so bad. Its truly silly like, our character will be out with their large group of friends to this bonfire that they didnt have to go to if they didnt want to but for some reason they brought their laptop with them to write fanfiction. ( how their laptop battery can survive all this I dont know im jealous)

And they see a therapist who seems to be genuinely interested in helping them deal with their emotions in a way that isnt just yelling at people, but alas the world is against them all the time of course. I think what really makes this character not work for me is that there is no internal dialogue? There is initially, like in the first couple minutes of the movie but then they just decided actually nvm? and from then on I just have to guess the main characters thought process and feelings from some longing stares. 

I kept watching despite how much I didn’t like this main character only because the show is nice to watch tbh its pretty. And then I got even more sad because our character finds out that theyre trans. 

Now i just want to like this movie even more right???? But how they find out theyre trans is truly silly. I’m nonbinary and do consider myself trans, sure I dont know everyones experience... but also has anyone ever just decided to put on a pair of jeans, a t shirt, and a jacket and then decided they got the wrong gender? Because our main character does. Its not like he was in drag or something thats just a comfortable outfit for any gender? Have they never been allowed to wear pants before???? I just dont understand. 

The rest of the movie is not that exciting just kind of finding themselves with a love interest who shows up every now and again and isnt too exciting. This movie feels like something that was made to be a show but some higher up said nah so they smashed in to an hour and a half. Why are the characters so flat. Why is our main character the worst in a way thats not intentional? Why cant they wear pants until they find out theyre a boy? 

Am I a girl when I wear mini skirt and a boy when I wear pants?

Also who is our main characters hair stylist I liked his hair before he cut if off I want that please and thank you.

Anyways head empty.

[scary-ivy]

I have complicated feelings about HRT. On one hand I really really do want all the effects of HRT and the only thing holding me back is my fear of changing my singing voice (which is a big source of gender euphoria for me currently! and also a career path for me).I would like the effects... but at the same time, I kinda feel like I don't need them.

I already look very masculine (and rugged and kind of ugly), I already have a very deep voice (my natural speaking voice before I started talking higher because of social pressures), I already have the start of a mustache and lots of body hair, I don't believe in all the things about HRT changing the way you think and feel emotions, and I already "think" and emote in those stereotypically masculine ways because of like cultural toxic masculinity. From my perspective, I already am masc and pass as a man I have been like this for years. Sure I would like more facial hair and a longer...y'know, but like, so would a lot of cis guys affected by social pressures. If everyone around me was very affirming of my gender already, if I had a community or group that was constantly affirming me, I feel l wouldn't need HRT.

The problem is I don't have that community, I don't have really close friends I feel comfortable coming out to, I don't come out to my acquaintances because I can't stand being questioned and doubted, I get accidentally misgendered even in queer spaces, I feel like no one really *sees* me and it's weird and confusing. Sometimes I wish I could go to the few online friends I am out to and be like "be honest, am I passing, and if not then why?". And I know the current radical trans zeitgeist is like "you don't need to pass and it's actually kinda shitty to want to! Just be comfortable in the trans community!" but it is really hard to feel that way when you don't have a community and also knowing that you probably could pass very easily if you just had this one thing.

Idk I also feel like the specter of transmedicalism still haunts trans circles and even though it's wildly accepted that not everyone wants surgery, there's still an idea that being on HRT is what it means to be trans. And I feel like nobody will respect me or take me serious, like they see me as a girl who's doing something edgy or a boy who's small and cute and feminine and harmless and not like an adult man which is what I am. And it sucks. I don't really know where I was going with this. I think I'm still going to do HRT I just wish I had...more people I could talk to about this stuff that actually got it and respected me, I guess?